Squirrel Apocalypse, by Mark Farley

Mark came back as a squirrel.

“I’m hungry for acorns,” said Mark.

“Do you not understand the existential nature of your desire?” asked the Goddess.

“Shush,” said Mark. “Don’t disturb me. I’m burying my nuts.”

She huffed her frustration and went to find a shovel.

“My doctor is also a squirrel,” said Mark. “He’ll help.”

More squirrels arrived. Many, many squirrels. The Goddess wondered about rabies and nuts. But it was too late to wonder; the squirrels kidnapped Her and locked Her in the House of Mobius.

“Let me out!” She cried.

The squirrels surrounded the House of Mobius. They peered in the windows and pelted Her with marshmallows.

“Please stop,” She said. “How long have you squirrels had these marshmallows? They are as hard as bullets.”

Squirrels have a great capacity for guilt. In time, they knocked on the door of the House of Mobius and made a full surrender.

She opened the door and stood face-to-face with the Squirrel King.

“Dear lady,” said the king. “Please forgive-”

But the Goddess was possessed by rage. She bit his head off. Cogs and wires flew everywhere.

“Run!” Mark shouted. “These squirrels are all robots!”

“No!” She rushed back into the House of Mobius, horrified at what She had done. It had been foretold that such a thing would come to pass. This is how our world would end – lost amongst sentient robot squirrels and their nuts.

After the demise of their leader, the robot squirrels poured out across the land, devouring cities, towns and entire forests.

Soon the planet was laid waste. Only the Goddess remained, locked securely in the House of Mobius.

At last, Time itself overcame Her. She had waited too long.

“With no hope for the human race,” She said, “I can do nothing but give up. Let the squirrels win. I am now nothing more than an exhibit of their triumph.”

The Goddess was dragged from the house and locked in a glass case. There was no one left to keep Her company. No way of bringing back the human race.

Damn those squirrels.

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